cutesy bitches

" like ohhh em geee! ohhh my goooooodddd! " cutesy ass nicknames with 2 syllables & descriptions & all this random ass bullshit. UGH WILL IT NEVER END? i mean real talk, i'm no hard ass bitch but i swear to god girls these days put themselves out there to look like fucking RETARDS. do you really think its cute to dumb yourself down & to TALK like hardcore valley girl? hella "maarte" or however the hell you spell it. it seems like females dont have a sense of proper presentation anymore. everyones taking pride in the massive parties & drinks & "awesome" nights of getting fucked up and acting a fool. no joke, i've gotten pretty fucked up myself but i dont take pride in that shit like its the thing to do. no longer do these girls hold class or self-respect. i just don't understand how you can put me on blast for comin after your man when in reality he is a bonafide DOG. after gettin done dirrrrrty so many times you stay his bitch on a tight leash with no respect for yourself. this is just one situation. idk, there's a sense of pride and high self-esteem, then there's conceited and big-headed. i mean do you think its super cute to be dumb? let me act ditzy and think its cute. good fucking god. get a fucking hold of yourself. show some intellect. go read a book or something. the obession with hello kitty really needs to stop. its so tired. i swear. every chick & her mom is on that shit & i just dont see whats so super cool about her. & all my friends know i'm crazy about cats, hello kitty is probably the only one i'm not for. i just see these cutesy ass bitches & get annoyed & wanna get the fuck away from it. ladies please be real & act your age. good god i'm getting annoyed just thinking about it. i'm hella over the "cutesy." maybe i'm just hella ranting but whatever, all i know is when i see this shit i get so annoyed.

"like oh em gee!"
"uhh! saaaa-lut!"
"like .. like.. like.."

" nicnic " out. (you should like so call me that from like now on, cus like, its so cute like.. like.. like.. ahhh hahhh =P)

maybe i just dont like people.. could be that..

la di da..

so i feel like 2009 is the year that my luck ran out. i recieved my first speeding ticket last week for going 81 mph. now if any of you know me then you know i've gone much faster & that i am Miss Speedracer. i guess my luck ran out & it finally caught up to me. i'm also starting to get really sick of always being broke. since this year started i've constantly been short on cash and its getting fucking ridiculous. i miss having money to spend. i know it sounds so superficial but let's face it folks, money does make the world go round (to quote a friend). i try to focus more on the things that matter, i mean YEAH my credit is probably getting so fucked up but HEY i have my loved ones. i wish it was that simple. unfortunately it always feels like my family is falling apart on me and all i can count on is the sister and besty & boythaaang. its a bit sad. i try not to focus on the materialistic shit, try to put more focus on something more stable but how can i when my family isnt stable to begin with? in conclusion, it sucks.

i'm trying to stay positive, constantly on the job hunt. i hate hate HATE my job. i can't believe how i was conned into this position. i absolutely hate working in the mall, what the fuck was i thinking? anyways, i'm hoping that over time more doors will open up for me and that all my prayers will be answered and i'll be filthy stinkin rich =). but yeahhh, a girl can dream.

i feel like at this point in my life shit should start coming together don't you think? we're getting to that age where the person you go on a blind date with tonite could potentially be THE ONE. we're getting closer and closer to our upper division classes where we should be set on our majors and our careers. what the fuck? why can't i figure this shit out? i get scared knowing that the next decision i make could totally fuck my life up & i'll eventually have to start from scratch. i know it sounds hella intense but seriously, think about it.. it kinda is.

whatever, all i know is i'm gonna TRY to keep positive, look to the better things in life.

just a few thoughts.. hold my hand..

i dont know what ever happened to the simple pleasure of holding my hand. i think it's amazing how a lot of guys are so caught up in the idea that all women in general are in love with the idea of holding them captive. i mean really, do you honestly believe that being in a relationship means losing all your freedom & privileges? if that's the case then you've been with all the wrong women. & shame on you for generalizing & stereotyping us down to prisonwards. all i've ever wanted was someone to fall back on. i don't need you to be with me every waking second of every fucking day of my life. i need air. i'd like to breathe. i need my girlfriends. i refuse to let you become my everything. oh & just for the record this isn't going out to anyone specific because my significant other gives me all i need & more while still holding back enough to make me thirst for his company. how nice right? but anywho, i'm so over this whole " being tied down " thing. if that's what you think of your relationship then you shouldn't be in one. grow up & learn that the simplest things count, that your holding my hand throughout all my trials & tribulations is all i ever want & need. all i want is companionship. some members of the opposite sex just don't understand.

anyways, so what's new? what's good? LIFE nigga. i just can't believe how the pieces are starting to fall together. i'm so proud of myself for at least finishing this last semester strong. i know i fucked up in the beginning but fuck, i'm getting it together & i honestly believe better late than never.

i'm excited for the new year. i know a lot of people don't believe in the new year symbolizing new beginnings, to them its just another day.. but for me it really is a fresh start. i'm going to start this year with a new job, new boyfriend, eventually a new place and i'm leaving my bad habits & those things i just couldn't shake before, back in 2008. i pray to god for my health & that all those things that like to creep back up STAY in 08. i honestly feel like this is going to be my year, i'm getting my focus back & i'm so ecstatic.

ignorance.

your ignorance amazes me, i meaaaan .. often times i feel taken for granted. after all thats happened & all time thats passed & the exchange of words & feelings i just don't understand why i feel like i'm at the bottom of your list. i feel like any old body, & only when you're left w/ no options do you come to me for comfort. i'm kind of sick of being YOUR safety blanket. ugh. once something better comes along you jump, when youre stuck in a rut you call me. bleh. life just doesnt make sense. Love, is such a strong word. so strong that i just dont believe you can handle it anymore. maybe i'm trippin off nothing again, over reacting to something so small & minimal like i alawys do. idk. whatever. all i know is that i don't wanna be available to you whenever you feel like you need me, & when you got something else going on you just cut out on me. constantly blowing me up & looking to hang when you need something, accusing me of 'forgetting about you' when i dont answer bc im busy. ugh. this all perturbs me to another level. no longer will i be here for your convenience.

yay me.

although i feel sicker than a mofo, i feel GOOD. i feel like something inside of me has matured and i'm able to let my anger go & just forgive. not so much forget because its those things we come out of that strengthen who we are & what we're capable. i look back on the entire situation & i feel like an idiot for reacting so crazy & letting it get to me. hella caught up in the " whats wrong w/ me? what does she have that i dont? " i can't keep holding on to my anger like it makes everything better, i guess if you didn't want me then we're just not right. " if you dont love me, someone else will " oh & " if you leave you leavin the best, so you will hafta settle for less " ahahah, its okay tho i'm in a better place now. i have my head on straight & i know what i want. you are it. i let other things cloud my vision before but now i see what makes sense for me & that is working hard to be w/ someone who treats me correct, appreciates me, & has that sincere adoration that i am IT & theres no one else above me. i'm not used to putting in work but i feel like this would only be the most appropriate time. i've gotten fucked over by others & all i can do is learn from it, no longer should i be bitter & angry because i've learned that that's UNHEALTHY. i wanna come out of this situation the bigger person & know that i've made the right decisions. i feel like i'm headed in that direction. i'm excited for what's in store. still feeling a bit dumb for taking so long to realize what i had was amazing & that i let my stupidity fuck it all away. then getting caught up w/ more stupid shit? ugh, not cool yo. in all honesty, i have no room for negative energy in my life so from here on out i shall try to do my best to keep everything as positive as possible.

"i will, i will, i will, i'll work for love, overtime. " -usher
" lets take this ' good enough ' & turn it to ' GREAT ' " - neyo
" Love, live life, proceed, progress. "- lil wayne

thaaaank god.

i keep coming across these people & their "happy relationships" & i remember .. "weren't they just w/ someone different likeee 5 months ago?" then i realize that used to be me. im thankful that after meeting someone who raised my standards that i just cant go back. if im in some kind of relationship id like it to be meaningful & to go SOMEWHERE. like ive said many times before i wanna meet mr. right not mr. right now. im gonna keep smiling & moving forward bc life sucks then it gets better & ive been thru worse. stupid niggas can get fucked for all i care, I'M going somehwere & i know what im worth. you dont deserve the half of it. =]

forgiveness.

someone recommended i blog here instead all over myspace. so i guess here i am. well lately it seems like i cant seem to get a handle on things. everyone knows im emotionally driven & for some reason i like to think with my heart & feelings & not my head. i realized that my problem is that i cant let shit go. i just cant seem to fully grasp ideas that are so simple. FORGIVENESS. ive always regarded myself as a very forgiving person, i like to forgive & forget.. like others have done for me. but lately it seems like the hardest thing. i cant let shit go. why? it took me damn near 6 or 7 months to get over heart ache only to find myself in the same place all over again. i told myself lesson learned, move on get over it & smile. but i keep getting myself in the same sticky situations all over again. im easily attached, emotionally retarded & sensitive as FUCK. i want you to go away, i want IT to go away. i feel used. likee they all get what they want then cut. i dont understand. i really wish theyd all go fuck themselves then jump. i know that spiritually ill be in a better place if i could just LET THIS SHIT go. but its so hard. its like i need to do certain things, listen to certain music just to reinforce my faith in Love. i wanna forgive, let go & go back to believing that Love conquers all.